It’s the journey: My birth story
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, ’It’s not the destination, it’s the journey’. For me life had been about the next step, the next achievement, qualification, decision. I was always anxious and frustrated during my journey right until I achieved my goal. Consequently, the frustration would start again once I went onto the next goal. My first birth experience made me reflect and I realized I was caught in an endless cycle of unfulfilling experiences. When I started teaching, I noticed that most people behaved this way, and parents also enforced this on their children. The most important thing was the final exam mark. However, really and truly it is not about how well a student performed in his or her final exam but the journey that led him/her to better understand the world around them, the experiences and discussions shared with classmates and their teacher.
This leads me to my first birth story. All throughout my pregnancy I was thinking about not being pregnant again, thinking about reaching the end point and how terrible I felt. I did not equip myself with the correct information and I did not approach the right care providers. I also believed and accepted everything my gynae told me. This was a recipe for disaster. The problem is that all our lives we are taught to comply and not to think for ourselves. We never question the things we are told by professionals and blindly accept their ‘expert’ advice. This led to me accepting being induced at 40+5 weeks and a terrible cascade of events leading to the extraction of my baby via a C-section. Unfortunately, in Malta, once a pregnant woman reaches the 38 week mark (sometimes even before!) she is expected to spontaneously labour and give birth! Only a small percentage of women birth before the 40 week mark or at 40 weeks. There are many women who birth after 40 weeks. At hospital this would result in scaremongering for example doctors scaring mothers that they will have a still birth if they are not induced, among so many other threats and lies.
Back to my first birth story, once the gel was inserted, I had very strong contractions which were not accompanied by the opening of my cervix, resulting in my baby getting tired, rushing against my will to the theatre and having my baby extracted. Once I woke up, I was not well, I was in total panic, crying and I felt abused. I felt no connection with the creature in front of me. I was feeling overwhelmed in addition to the challenges that came along with learning how to be a first-time mum. It was traumatic and I could not accept it. Many women nowadays go through this experience or similar ones and accept the situation simply because they are told that it was necessary because their baby was in distress, and they end up praising the doctor who came to their rescue. But my question was, ‘what placed my baby in distress?’. I am sure doctors are great at performing c-sections and getting the baby out in time. But I honestly question whether they know what the needs of a woman in labour are… a calm supportive environment with the least number of interruptions or interventions. There is no emotion involved, no consideration that this is the start of a new family, the transition of a new life from the womb to the world. Would we act differently if we truly understood the sacred nature of pregnancy and birth?
No matter how much I tried I could not get past this experience. There was surely a better way to give birth, and I was convinced I was not meant to be feeling this way. I did get better with time, not thanks to the people around me as people would say comments like, ‘’ the most important thing is that the baby is well’’ or ‘’thanks god the doctors got the baby out in time.’’ I felt like a mess. I felt I was drowning. Until I started searching for an answer, informing myself. And I confirmed that I was not the only one who felt this way. That my feelings were valid. This is when I got to know about positive birth Malta. They made a huge impact on my life because they showed me there was another way. I started attending their meet ups and informing myself. Finally, 4 years later I decided I wanted another child and this time I wanted the journey to matter. I wanted my pregnancy and birth to be a beautiful experience. I wanted to feel in control and give my child the birth he deserved.
I subsequently went through a miscarriage, which once again spiraled again to the disgraceful service I experienced at hospital. It was like I was being treated by robots. I was kept waiting for hours and I was spoken to in a harsh manner with no empathy or emotional support. I had just lost a life and no one cared.
I did not want to give up and three months later I was pregnant with my son Mikiel. I opted for midwifery led care provided by Pauline from positive birth Malta and WOW is all I can say. Throughout my pregnancy I was visited at home, with no rush. Pauline not only provided me with professional physical check-ups but also with emotional support and with personalised care. For example, when my baby was still breach at 36 weeks, she performed moxibustion which helped the baby turn head down. I also chose a gynae, who was in line with my beliefs and who would support my views of natural birth. Midwifery led care and a gynae who supports your views are critical to having a positive birth story. You need people who can advocate for your needs at hospital.
I also attended revitalising yoga classes provided by Pauline. I highly recommend these sessions! I researched poses to open my pelvis and practiced hypnobirthing. Pauline also lent me books that were very informative and helpful and always backed up any information with scientific papers and reliable sources of infomation. I enjoyed the journey and I was very mindful of what was happening in my body, despite the pregnancy pains. Then all of a sudden, I hit the 40 week mark, I went for a hospital appointment and as you can predict, it did not go well. I was ‘greeted’ by a so-called doctor who started panicking in front of me, and who was frantically trying to book a c- section. I told her I did not want one and was willing to wait. She booked one anyway and did not even consider a gentle induction. It was shocking to find out that the following two weeks were fully booked with C-sections! She also performed a physical exam where she savagely shoved her fingers inside me and caused me a lot of pain and bleeding. She told me my cervix was not open, and it was unlikely that it would open. She was mentioning still birth again and uterine rupture (if you had a previous c-section, get used to hearing this term!) in hopes that I would cave in. Obviously, this time I would not have it and did not believe all the lies. The next day I booked an appointment with Pauline and she found that my cervix was nearly 3cm wide! She performed a membrane sweep together with aromatherapy and acupressure.
Furthermore, I talked to my gynae and told him that I would not accept my booked C-section. It did not feel right, and I followed my instincts. I asked him that on the day of the booking, I would instead come in for a checkup and a second membrane sweep, which had to be performed by himself. I would not accept anyone else to examine me and upset me at this point. He agreed and supported me in this decision. A few hours after the second membrane sweep I started having regular contractions after two weeks of irregular ones. I went to hospital only when contractions were around 5 minutes apart. When I was assigned to a midwife, I presented and explained my birth plan (a written document). I managed my contractions by using music, meditations and yoga poses. I also took some important items and affirmations to keep me focused.
I started getting discouraged when after 12 hours I was only 5cm dilated. But the midwives were very helpful and supported me. They ruptured the amniotic sac at this point and contractions started getting more intense and I felt nothing was really helping me to relax. After all those hours I was tired and accepted their offer to get pethidine. It did help me manage my contractions; however the pain was still there. The yoga ball was helpful, I rested on it, squatted, did so many other positions to help my pelvis open for my baby to be able to pass through. More time passed and I was opening very slowly so everyone started getting concerned. The word C-section was being mentioned, and I started to get worried. At this point, I accepted an epidural even though I never wanted one. My reasoning was that if I had to have another C-section, I would at least be awake to see my baby. However, the anesthetist had trouble inserting the needle. They spent around an hour trying to insert it and 3 anesthetists later it was in. At this point I got the urge to push and my husband asked the midwife to check my cervix and she found it was 9.5cm open and it was time to push! Thankfully, I did not actually use the epidural which was a great relief.
At first, I tried pushing in a number of positions but the midwives were panicking because the heart rate of the baby was going lower than what they were used to. This resulted in me being asked to push partially on my back, with my neck and shoulder elevated and holding my thighs. I did not wish to purple push but at that point I felt it was either that or a c-section so I followed my midwives instructions. I spent 45 mins to an hour of pushing and I felt exhausted. I still kept it on with all the strength I had left as I have wanted this for such a long time and I was close to the finish line. The baby’s heart rate went down and a doctor was saying the theatre was prepped for a C-section but the mid-wives did not pay her any attention. They knew what I wanted and respected my wish. I feel that my written birth plan made a huge difference at this point as it was a black on white written document stating what I wanted and this time round the medical professionals could not simply do what they wanted. Another doctor offered an episiotomy to help me out and asked me if she could use the kiwi instrument. I accepted and one push later my baby’s head was out. Another push later my baby was completely out and the midwife placed the baby directly on me.
I have no words to describe this moment. They call this the ‘golden hour’. It is truly an understatement. I was 1 week past my due date and my labour was 20 hours long from when I went to the hospital, but all this did not matter anymore. I was showered with a feeling of happiness and love. There is nothing like it. You can go to the ends of the world looking for this feeling, but nothing matches the joy I felt at this moment. I felt simply esthetic! Looking at that gorgeous face it truly felt like I knew him all my life…like there was a deep connection between my baby and me. My wish was that the baby was not taken away from me, so I had 2 golden hours! I asked the pediatrician to check the baby on me (I had to insist here) and he did while I was getting sutured up. The baby was already lifting his head and looking for milk! I then breastfed him and it was simply amazing.
My two birth stories were so different! I can truly say that my instincts were correct! Natural birth is the best way. Although tough and painful, the cocktail of good hormones you get afterwards helps you bond instantly with your baby, in contrast to the sadness, disconnection and anger I felt towards my first born. I had to put in so much effort to bond with my first child in comparison to my second child. It was natural with my second, it was effortless and magical. This cocktail kept me going throughout my postpartum 40-day period. It was such a big difference!! Furthermore, natural birth helped me appreciate how truly strong I am, and it made me feel so empowered.
I have now started to accept my c-section. Maybe I was meant to experience it so that others can learn from my mistakes and so I can truly be able to compare natural vs c-section delivery. I still feel hurt, but I am learning to accept it... I am starting to heal.
I truly hope my story is useful and sheds light to the birth scene in Malta. Unfortunately, you need to fight for what you want as you will be lied to and forced towards a c-section when it is not necessary. We need more options such as birthing centers and the right to choose our birthing team! Continuity of care is of great importance. For example, if I had Pauline and her team with me during birth, they would know me well and be able to bring me back to what I wanted during the difficult parts of labour. They could have possibly avoided me getting pethidine, an episiotomy, the unnecessary epidural insertion and kiwi delivery. They would have surely handled my pushing phase with more calm. I sincerely belief that the time I spent being encouraged towards unnecessary interventions could have been time being encouraged to relax using various techniques done by my chosen midwives. Unfortunately, at hospital you will have no choice when you are in such a vulnerable state but to accept such interventions, even if you are a hard-headed person such as myself. The baby’s life is always used as a tool to get mothers to comply. I do urge our country to work on allowing continuity of care and allowing doulas during birth.
I do understand that certain circumstances call for a c-section or interventions to save the mothers and baby’s life but unfortunately in most cases these are being used as a means to an end, giving priority to the destination rather than the journey.
In conclusion I invite all soon to be mothers to savor the journey and not to rush towards the destination. It is like eating a delicious piece of cake, eating it bit by bit and tasting every little piece. These are some words of advice from someone who has experienced two very different deliveries:
Choose your care providers WISELY. Someone who insists on an induction at 38, 39 or even 40 weeks is not the best care provider. Ask about these things on your first visit.
Avoid going unnecessarily to the hospital.
Learn to wait even if it’s 41 weeks or a little more depending on your and the baby’s health. Do not let anyone bully or panic you into rushing the process. Having a baby takes time!
Try acupressure, aromatherapy and membrane sweep if you are past the due date.
Enjoy your pregnancy, do yoga, meditate, take it slow.
Take music and items that help you feel good during labour.
Learn the different poses to open the three different parts of the pelvis.
Try not to tighten up and fight your contractions but instead try to relax and flow with the contractions. This is very difficult in the end!
Most importantly trust your instincts!
A big thank you to Positive birth Malta, the midwives during delivery and my husband for all their support!
Sheryl
